Things to talk to my shrink about...

I think I am being completely irrational...

As of late...

At work today for some reason and on various occasion it happens that I start to question various things like whether or not people like me, or are annoyed with me or are mad at me. Today I kept having this overwhelming feeling that my coworker was mad at me and that she was looking at me and was disapproving of what I was doing or something. Now I am wondering am I irrational or maybe I just am able to pick up on the subtle emotional cues she was sending me... We will see. This happens on occasion with my friends as well. I start to wonder if maybe they are not really my friends or if they do not really like me or if I bother them or something. I am generally paranoid about things like this. Just sometimes it is more of an issue than others. Now is one of those times. What is the correlation. If I remember maybe I will bring it up in therapy tomorrow...

Attacked by a deck of cards...

Today and yesterday and perhaps the end of the day before have not been good days for me. Generally they have been days of unrest and disinterest in my surroundings. I have homework or classwork I guess since it is an online class... that I should be doing right now and I cant seem to concentrate or get anything done. I am generally completely incapable of getting anything done at this point, which is a very frustrating feeling all on its own. I want to be capable and organized but it doesnt appear to be in my nature. It is simply not the way I do things. I am not that girl. No matter how hard I try I inevitably cant keep myself straight. Today my brain is unwilling to focus on the task at hand there are about 12 other things I am trying to not focus on that are trying to also come to the front of my vision. I need DH here He will help me focus. He is so vital to me...I feel lost when he is not around. I hte being in the house alone. I feel completely incapacitated, incapable of functioning. I rely on him too much I think. This overwhelming need to have him here in order to function cannot be healthy. Why is living so hard for me?

The problem with the internet

So going to school online is great. Here I am earning a master's degree in my pajamas not having to get dressed/shower/be productive outside of the house. However taking classes online means sitting down and doing the work of my own accord and not procrastinating till the last possible minute to read chapters in all my text books and still manage to get something done like clean the house...As for that last one we will ignore as school is more important. I am going to admit the truth...I am addicted to the internet and clicking links and not doing anything even remotely close to what I am supposed to be doing! In other words going to school online and being home in front of my computer allows me the opportunity to slack off and I have always been known to procrastinate/slack off/ not get anything done if it was an option!!! WTF ashley...Now I am using this blog as a means to slack off since I am here on this site now and not doing homework FAIL!

In other news got referral to psychiatrist from regular MD since he saw me on friday and new that I was manic without having to know my diagnosis hahahahahahah My life=ridiculous...or me=ridiculous. SO needless to say I will soon be medicated I am sure and that will possibly change my ability to focus/write and perhaps all areas of my life will see an improvement they make a pill for that right?

My work space!

Get it together girl!!!

So I am having trouble acclimating to school again. I am more interested in procrastinating and it is the first day of classes. I know better and I need to get on the ball, this kind of behavior is unacceptable. I do not know what is going on inside of me aside from a general disinterest in all things related to anything important or of a time specific nature. I need to get it together in the near future though because this week may not be difficult but weeks to come will be more taxing and I cannot afford to procrastinate the way I did last semester. I wonder if this is part of my new disorder- newly named though old in the years I have been acquainted with it. I am of the believe that I can be organized I just don't remember how to be. I think my new office space is pretty snazzy and I can see myself in it studying, I just can't seem to get started. Perhaps it is all the pleasure reading I would rather be doing.

I am finishing the Trilogy I started over a year ago by Libba Bray. It is gothic mystery, fantasy- I just made up the descriptive genres, but that is what it feels like to me. I love it. The books is just enough historic view of the way things were for girls in this time with finishing schools and coming out ceremonies. Then the intrigue of a secret society and magic and danger!

Then I have on the shelf ready to begin Wicked Lovely, The Chronicles of Vladimir Todd, THe Looking Glass Wars, Once Dead Twice Shy, and Lightning

With so many interesting books to read you would be disinterested in school work as well.

I read the introduction to one of my class books and stopped there.

I will do more tomorrow.

I am also in the middle of Slaughterhouse Five or The Children's Crusade.

BLEH Life and living and staying put together. Not a fan I tell you Not a fan!!!

Whole new kind of crazy

So for the sake of answering the question that has plagued many of my near and dearest and for my own sense of closure and comfort. I had some psychological testing done. The results have now determined that I am in fact slightly off...Apparently I have Bipolar II disorder which is not entirely unexpected. I think some of my nearest and dearest had an idea that this was a possibility But there you go it is official now. There is a reason for my issues with life and living and sanity. Now I am sure will begin the test of my will power as I am put through a medication marathon to find out how to treat my little issue I will keep you all posted...my faithful readers haha. Perhaps I should use this blog more frequently especially to note the various things that are affecting me emotionally. Who knows.

Beginnings

So where have I been?

Well we have moved we are finally in North Dakota. Things seem to be going well in that respect. We have moved into a house. I love having so much space, however my kitchen is sad and pathetic and unfortunate as far as kitchens go but we take what we can get sometimes.

I got involved with a doctor here and I am back in therapy. Which turns out to be a good thing since I have been officially diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, they say I have Bipolar II. Which was not entirely surprising but still something that really boggles my mind to an extent. To finally have a name and a diagnosis makes me feel kind of secure and contained to some extent. I have felt like I was lost and I wondered if I was really normal or acceptable as a person and this diagnosis gives me that to some extent. It will be interesting to see how treatment helps me or hinders me.

Though I go pretty far in hindering myself when it comes to getting things done, this blog being a good example of my own hindrances since I am incapable of following my own thoughts on a day to day basis without losing focus. Look for my blog to get organized.